Learning About Life *Nathan Style*

Oh to be *almost three*...what must that be like? For me, it took place a long time ago.

Well, it finally happened...I knew the day would come.... This morning I got out of a very long shower, (one of those times when I made the decision to clean the walls and scrub a little before stepping out and drying off), and I hear a PLEADING voice from downstairs calling, "Momma!!! I'M DONE!!!!" Nathan was in the downstairs bathroom on the potty for who knows how long?...while I was busy scrubbing away soap scum. Trying to explain to a little guy his age that he needs to come upstairs when I am in the shower is difficult at best. Bless him!!!!

I took care of his pleadful (is that a word?) need, and told him that I would be upstairs drying off. He started asking for "Boots." I said, "Honey, you don't need your boots today, it's warm outside." He frowned and repeated the request, running quickly to this bedroom. I scooted back upstairs. And before I could get out of the bathroom, he presented himself in the doorway with two different pairs of socks. I said, "Nathan, you don't need to wear socks and boots today, it isn't cold outside." He frowned and pouted out that cute lower lip. I said, "Okay, if you want them on, you put them on yourself." (I know...I'm really mean sometimes.) I have something to admit. I very much *dislike* those boots!!!!!! I can't really explain why though. He came to us in those boots and wore them constantly until we were blessed to be taken to the *Big Mall* in Guangzhou where I promptly purchased him some cute, new shoes. The reality is that his foster parents probably gave him those boots and they were given and received with some special emotions attached. He wore them pretty much any time he wasn't either on the furniture or in bed. I grew to detest them. That may sound harsh, but it is how I feel. The emotions I have about them hold a different meaning. They are a reminder to me that I didn't have him for the first 32 months of his life; that someone else got to experience his first smile, his first laugh, the first time he rolled over, his first words and his first steps. Someone else got to hold him and comfort him while he cut his teeth, or at least in my heart, I want to think that he was held, cuddled and loved-on...the reality is that he might not have had anyone to hold him when he was hurting or sad. More than likely, he was probably on his own in an orphanage during many of those *firsts.* Those boots remind me that he was an abandoned infant...left in a hospital room somewhere in or near the city where he born, by parents that regarded him as defective, unworthy to be raised by them. Oh how it hurts my soul!!!!!

But, today, I let him wear the boots. For his sake, not mine. Because he is *almost three* and I am an adult. Maybe he needs them today? I hate that he may have felt abandoned this morning..calling out to me..pleading for me to come to him.

What things do I hold onto to remind me of my past? Right now, I can name one thing that I remember when I was almost three....my parents fighting with each other, at night in the living room. I remember pulling the covers over my head in an attempt to close off the pain and hurting that I felt almost every night. I have long since forgiven both of them for this, but it remains a memory of my past.

Nathan has been playing right outside the door here by the computer desk. He discovered a caterpillar and showed it to me. I told him to leave it alone...that it will turn into a butterfly one day soon. Well....wouldn't you know it...those blasted red boots just killed that caterpillar!!!!!! Oh well.....to be *almost three*...learning about life. Deb